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Dear Bay Area Credit Service, LLC,
When I saw your name, I got really excited for a second, because I’m always so nostalgic for San Francisco. I’ve had so many great times there. Have you been to Dolores Park? I love that spot! There’s this one taqueria in the Mission, I can’t remember what it’s called but their pork tacos are to die for. My friend Phil took me there a month or two ago. And I’ve caught some rad shows at Thee Parkside. Oh, San Francisco, how I wish I could afford to live there some day. I just love that place.
All of these things went through my mind when I saw your name on this collection notice. But my smile was short-lived as soon as I read the next line, which was your address- Antioch, California. I had to Google Maps that shit to see where it was. Bummer, dude. You guys are kind of off the grid. I can understand though, how you might want people to associate your name with the tough streets of the big city.
Anyway, let me apologize for this account landing in your lap. It’s really not your fault, and despite the fact that I think all collection agencies are about as respectable as meter maids and child pornographers, this is a raw deal for you guys.
Wells Fargo Dealer Services thinks I should give them $951.78. This is a huge load of bullshit, and I’ll never pay it. Here’s the sitch:
I totaled my vehicle, which was financed originally through Wachovia Dealer Services, in August of 2008. Since I had full coverage as well as gap coverage insurance, I knew that whatever I owed on the car would be taken care of after the accident. In fact, every involved party told me that it would be taken care of after the accident. Don’t worry, Dajah. You’re covered.
Well, it took THREE MONTHS for the geniuses at Wachovia Dealer Services to properly communicate with my auto insurance company and my gap coverage company to get the claim resolved. I did everything I could on my end to expedite the nightmare of paperwork and cross-referencing that this ordeal entailed while those nitwits flailed wildly and never got their shit together. This whole debacle goes in the file under “N” for Not My Problem.
Meanwhile, my car had been towed away to the wrecking yard within 48 hours of the accident. So naturally, I quit making payments. Seems reasonable to me and everybody else who is hip to this story.
I did not have the car. The car was totaled. The car was covered completely by insurance. Thusly, I did not continue to pay for a car I did not have for three months.
When Wachovia Dealer Services told me I owed them money for those three months, I laughed out loud. Because this is exactly what they said:
“If you would have paid for the three months it took us to get this handled, we would have refunded all the money you paid. But because you didn’t pay it, now it’s in collections.”
So, let me make sure I’ve got this right. Go stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and repeat this. I dare you to keep a straight face.
“If you would have paid it, we would have refunded the money because you don’t owe it. But because you didn’t pay it, now you owe it.”
Are you for real? Am I getting Punk’d right now? Where’s Ashton?
Sorry, guys, that is ridiculous and it’s just not going to happen. I won’t pay you. Not $951.78, not $1. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Not even in Monopoly money. Not even if I were a multi-billionaire and had a thousand dollars to wipe my ass with. I’d rather light one thousand dollars on fire than give it to you for that damn car. It’s the principle. It’s not fair, and anybody with an ounce of common sense is able to figure that out.
If I cannot dissuade you from continuing to annoy me to death with letters and phone calls by appealing to your common sense, I guess I’ll have to just to give it to you straight. Real talk. Get your supervisor over here, or your accountant or whoever is in charge of determining whether or not someone is worth harassing.
I’m unemployed. No prospects. I have no assets. (Not even a car!!!) I just got divorced, I’m sleeping on a couch and my water got shut off the other day so I had to go to the Chevron down the street for a quick whore’s bath before heading downtown to turn some tricks. Last time I was in San Francisco, some hustler told me I could make myself “a lotta cash, honey” so I’m gonna explore career alternatives in the seedy underground sex industry. I’ve heard Portland is mostly just for strippers but I bet I’ve got more charisma than those trick-ass hos, so we’ll see who starts making the big bucks around here. Yeah.
Just kidding. About that last part. Totally serious about not paying you though. Sorry. I’ll go to my grave kicking and screaming about this one. My headstone will say, “Wachovia Dealer Services Can Shove That Totaled Kia Up Their Ass.”
I look forward to receiving a new statement which reads:
TOTAL DUE: $0.00
SORRY YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS FIASCO DAJAH, YOU CAN TAKE THE GUN OUT OF YOUR MOUTH NOW.
Sincerely,
Dajah B.
